In order to be loved, you need to be hated.
If you want to build a base of adoring customers who throw money at you, you’ve got to tolerate a (sometimes even larger) group of people who despise you. Not mildly dislike, but literally “hate” and “despise”.
Sometimes it’s because you’ve gotta tell them things they don’t want to hear. Just ask any parent… children are not at all shy about letting you know when they don’t like what you say. Yet a loving parent still tells their kids what they need to know, because otherwise they’ll grow up ill prepared for life in the real world.
The best parents do this calmly, with a genuine, gentle smile, taking the whole matter in stride, knowing that their kids won’t hate them forever, that an adorable loving face is just around the corner.
But beyond this, in marketing there are people who will NEVER come around. They’ll always hate you for who you are, what you stand for, how you look, what you sound like,… the very essence of your being.
Most of them will probably never let you know, but trust me they’re there.
And a few very bitter, mean people, will make sure you know in the biggest way they can. They’ll write in to customer service, fedex your nasty notes, threaten to tell everyone on the internet what a schnook you are, and expose your every weakness publicly if they can. (By the way, I’m curious how many people know the word “schnook”?)
Not many, but you’ll definitely remember it when they do.
Beyond this, in relationship marketing the simple facts of life are that not everyone wants to have a relationship with you. In fact, overall an extremely small percentage of hyper-responsive customers bond with you to provide more than HALF the fuel for your business… usually less than 5% of everyone who buys, and only 1 in 2000 website visitors (really… read the math at the top of this letter if you don’t believe me)
The majority of the market simply ignores you.
And another minority HATES your guts.
So what!
It’s the price of success.
“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”
And if you do it right, the things people hate you for are the very same things which exhilarate your best customers.
For example, in Glenn’s view of the world you really shouldn’t be putting up an opt in form or trying to sell anything until you’ve studied the market for at least three months. After running dozens of successful projects myself and watching hundreds of students and clients, I’m 100% convinced it’s both faster and more reliable to engage in exhaustive market research before you try to stake your ground. (I’ve seen people try to shortcut it and fail for years now)
My best customers know and embrace this fact, and relish the idea that the vast majority of their competitors won’t be doing it.
Along those lines, here’s another truth you may not like hearing… unless you’ve got a serious head start (e.g. capital, previous success to build on, etc) you’re not going to stumble upon an oil well and build a $10 million dollar business in 12 months.
I know when you see it in writing it seems silly to even say it. It’s obviously not even in the realm of possibilities for 99.9% of the population, but you’d be surprised just how many people harbor this fantasy, and suffer from constant depression as they’re confronted by the facts.
Even building a million dollar business in 12 months is unreasonable for most entrepreneurs (though I do see it done on very rare occasion). There are just too many variables in all markets to be able to jump in and pull out 7 figures right away, despite what the gurus tell you.
What you CAN do this year is build a solid foundation for reliable and secure growth. You can work hard and watch things get better.
Especially if you’re willing to be hated… like me 
Food for thought,
Dr. G
PS – If you’re not feeling hated, at least some of the time, you’re not marketing hard enough and you’re not telling your market what it really needs to know. (Give it some thought)
PPS – Are you willing to be hated? I’d be very interested to know your struggles along these lines if you’d leave them below. I have the belief this factor is a major unexplored obstacle for most entrepreneurs. Let me know below please OK?
{ 37 comments }
I find myself talking about polarisation quite a lot and how it’s much better to be loved by some and hated by others than tolerated by all.
But I think it is tough.
We probably all have an inner desire to be liked and to take criticism personally.
Sometimes criticism is positive – it can be a great learning exercise and really bring things hope to you – but other times it can seem very negative and put you straight on the defensive.
When I first started online, I took every opt-out personally and worry about what I’d done wrong.
Self destructive nonsense of course but it comes back to the desire to be liked and appreciated.
This article was great. its nice to know (even if it is deep down) that maybe I am doing something right after all. I have found considerable success in my field within the last two years and the one thing that has really upset me is the intense negative feelings others have towards our achievements…. regrettably this can include friends and people we love. I used to think that success changes us… I\’m not so sure that\’s the case anymore… Rather, I think we achieve success because we change first. Once that change is physical and our hard work starts to pay off, I think people take it as a reminder that perhaps they could be working harder at what they are doing…. and people hate to feel that what they are doing isn\’t enough… I don\’t mean physical work so much as an interest in self development and a willingness to work on ourselves.
Thank you for a great point, I think its something that is often overlooked when we all search for that level of success we all desire so deeply…. The ability to be our highest selves.
Really enjoyed reading this blog post. I agree with what Paul said. Psychologically, I think we all have an inbuilt desire to be liked, to please people. (Perhaps stemming from childhood?) So it is hard to accept that there will always be people who hate you, no matter what you do.
It reminds me of a quote that I have hanging on the bulletin board above my desk. It reads: “Caring what people think too much is THE BIGGEST REASON why people do not achieve great things. Caring about what they will think IF YOU FAIL is the number one reason people do not become rich.” – Felix Dennis
Ok, so you pegged me and where I stand. No, I\’m not one of the ones who hate you but what I am is one who is grateful for the \"shove\" or \"the truth needs to be spoken\" about learning your market FIRST and then doing the things that need to be done to make sales that you teach. My analysis paralysis kept me from just going blindly into anything just to try and make a quick buck like a lot of people selling the lazy man\’s way to riches programs. Fortunately my logical side kept me investigating until I found what I knew to be solid principles which you teach. That is why I joined your membership program and have benefited tremendously from all the information you provide. I feel your post on \"telling it because it needs to be said\" really makes your customers embrace your relationship even more.
Equally important however is HOW you say it. Yes, there are those who will still hate you but I am willing to bet that they are not the 20% of customers who make up the 80% of your business. You still need to keep the bigger picture in mind otherwise you will be driven to ineffectiveness in a hurry!
Yes, being hated is the price of making an impact. I think the internet presents particular challenges because some people (especially those who aren’t experienced in internet buying) only just manage to overcome their suspicion in order to place an order so, as soon as anything doesn’t quite work as expected, they immediately get angry.
I have this from time to time with one of my services. To investigate it, I added a survey (with a freebie) on my landing page (a tip from Glenn’s club) to find out why those who didn’t buy had made that choice and the issue of trust came up time and time again (“is it a scam?”, “didn’t know if I could trust you” etc). This was a BIG eye-opener both in terms of selling the product and supporting purchasers – I can now see why they so easily assume that the fact they can’t log in (because they’re typing the wrong email address for example) actually reinforces their fear that we’re a scam and they immediately get angry.
Great blog Glenn.
I echo Paul’s feelings above – first time I had an optin list, I felt so excited and happy when people started subscribing. But then some of them unsubscribed and I felt worthless (for about 5 minutes anyway).
I think being an entrepeneur and building your own business requires that you go through a serious amount of personal growth.
As an insecurish guy in his mid 20s 5 years ago, I can look back and see how online marketing has quite literally ‘toughened me up’. Plus I don’t feel the need to get approval from a bunch of people before making a decision now – I just do what I feel is right.
None of these skills come quickly though – they all have to be earned.
I don’t want to be hated, but the alternative of sending out a message that isn’t congruent with who I am and what I stand for is a much worse option in my view.
The psychology of marketing is a topic of endless fascination. Recently I heard a TV exec talking about the fact that he received death threats because of a change in schedule for a popular TV show. It doesn\’t take much to tick people off, so being the target of someone\’s anger kind of goes with the turf.
There are lots of folks out there just spoiling for a fight. They need little excuse to beat up on anyone who annoys them. Often this is for little more reason than offloading their negative feelings onto someone else.
Being misunderstood is another common problem. Market research is only the first step. Delivering a marketing message that is unambiguous is both art and science. Any copy which registers as being at all dodgy will likely attract a good deal of negative feedback.
All marketers suffer from the unfortunate long history of marketing hype and flat out lies of generations of over zealous marketers past and present. The public at large has been saturated with half truths and exaggerations so that now nothing seen or heard is taken as being true.
The Internet is an enormous tidal wave of information, much of which is questionable at best and flagrant fabrication at worst. It is a virtual digital dark alley where millions are relieved of their hard earned cash by clever words rather than brute force.
No wonder then that so many ascribe to the idea that you should believe no of what you hear and only half of what you see.
This make the marketing maxim \"under promise and over deliver\" to be more important today than ever before.
Thanks for telling us the truth, as always. Schnook? Hardly.
This is true.
You cannot have it both ways, being nondescript is a poor choice.
Regards
Joe Kennedy
TIME + BELIEFS = PREDICTABLE OUTCOME.
Not sure of the meaning of the word “schnook,” but I do think it’s the last word uttered in the movie, “Goodfellas.”
This brings up many interesting distinctions.
In relationships in general, if one tries to be everything to everyone, they are spread too thin and too superficial to have any deep relationships.
The analogy for parenting reveals how true this is.
You can’t be a drive by, absentee, good time only parent and raise children who have respect for you and who are attentive, teachable and persuadable. That’s a dysfunctional formula for unruly, undisciplined, low self esteem kids that rely on bad behavior to get attention.
But the willingness to \"be hated\" works only if you also have the trust and integrity to stand as an advocate, willing to tell someone something they don\’t really want to hear with the intention to protect, educate and empower, not just being adversarial or hostile for the sake of being hated.
for example, in a video i just shot, I discuss how branding is so much deeper than a logo, its about trust, rapport and the emotional impact you have on your customers. Even a great product, a great \"brand name\" with fancy market tested logo, will fail if the customer experienced is marred by an anti-social, adversarial personality.
In the video i share why a local Mom and Pop tavern failed despite strong brand support from big dollar liquor distributors. they failed simply because the owner, head bartenders brand, persona and overall customer experience was inherently anti-social.
In short, he was an asshole, and no-one wanted to go to a social environment with an anti-social schnook. ( I heard that word on the job in Chicago, from either the Jewish, Armenian or Polish contractors/master craftsman I mentored with, I think it means untrustworthy loser/weasel or something like that).
Being a hated bartender translates to a failing business model. Not so coincidentally, hes turning his efforts now after losing his bar to becoming a full time politician, where being a schnook apparently has its benefits.
Thanks for the insight and the forum to explore these subjects in a deeper more sophisticated level.
thanks and take care
Bryan
Wow, excellent hard hitting advice (and one of the first posts I bookmarked). I have struggled with this since Day 1, as I\’m one of those people whom seems to have a compulsion to be \"liked by everyone\". While we run an exceptional business, it only took a single negative comment used to ruin my week!
The more success, the more negativity. It seems to flow out of nowhere, as we are a very positive and friendly company, which strives to work (and befriend/JV) our competitors. Regardless of what we do, it keeps on coming. It\’s a constant fight to NOT let this bother me. I realize that we can\’t be loved by everyone, but I suppose it just goes against my nature, and has been a constant struggle since day one.
Thanks for putting into words, a struggle i\’ve had since Day 1 of becoming an entrepreneur.
Hi Dr. G,
Thanks for sharing this.
I had to learn this the hard way when I first started my blog sharing the marketing and life lessons I learned working alongside the late, great Gary Halbert.
I even started getting hate mail from a few people about Gary Halbert! Even though they were complaining about incidents that happened a good 10 or 15 years before I even met Gary.
After I started “finding my voice” on the blog and allowing my real personality to come through, I started developing raving fans… and a small group of insane people who HATED me. (I’m only assuming they’re insane. I mean… you’d HAVE to be insane to not like ME!)
I have to admit, it bothered me. I didn’t want to offend people… just pass along my marketing experience and experiences with Halbert.
Even though I can come across a little tough on my blog…to be totally transparent, I’m somewhat of a softie. I’m the type of guy who wants to be liked.
Anyhoo… the interesting thing is that when the haters would attack me, my fans would come out of the woodwork to defend me. Even people I’d never heard from before… secret admirers, so to speak… would break their silence and come to my defense.
Pretty cool, huh?
You’re spot on here. In the process of building a list of raving fans, you’re going to also have a lot of people who hate you.
But don’t let the haters get you down. It’s part of the deal. And it’s worked out pretty good for guys like Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh.
Again, Glenn, thanks for sharing this.
All the best,
Doberman Dan
Are you kidding me? A schnook is a fish that lives in south Fl. Good eatin btw.
You are absolutely spot on. I haven\’t gotten too many nasty emails, but I have had people getting personal with the problem my website addresses in the hopes that I would be able to help them out.
Good points. I know there are times when I give \"eating your vegetables\" (i.e. not what people want to hear) advice to people, that I don\’t always get happy responses.
For example, I recently decreed that with Adwords advertising you really need to have \"real\" sites – not 1-page salesletters.
Maybe not what everyone wants to hear. But then I\’m hoping things like that bond me more with my readers and clients. As well as give them better results!
There is also the sub-type of person who just wants to be angry. And if you\’re not giving them the immediate \"fix\" they\’re hoping for (even if unrealistic) they want to take it out on you. Gotten some snarky messages from those people.
Anyway, I agree it\’s better to just take a stand.
And fight the tendency to try to please everyone.
I\’m still learning this, so this post is very valuable to me!
thanks Glenn
Hey Darrel, thanks for stopping in and contributing
A word of reinforcement… people DEFINITELY need to have real sites in Adwords these days. No question about it, the sheriff is in town! (And not just a salesletter with a link to your blog, a site with full “browse and buy” navigational options). The thing of it is, our fears are unfounded… when you do this right it actually converts better.
Thanks Glenn,
You always provide great topics to cause shifts in thinking.
I thought schnook was a term of endearment.
Like most people, I want to be liked, nay loved. I just assume people love me like I love them until I discover otherwise. Is that naive? I assume people will respond to me like I do them, in business as well as my private life. We give plenty to our clients and are always shocked to find out they don’t reciprocate. It’s disappointing but we don’t stress over those who hate us or talk bad about us because the truth is, these people do not have the same ethics or principles – we’re not compatible so it’s best if they aren’t our clients anyway.
There is one area that really drives me nuts – employees. We’ve had a few and it doesn’t matter how well they’re treated, the rogue ones will steal information and copy our system. We are in the computer repair business and have found quite a few of our technicians leave and set themselves up in competition. They try to steal clients, copy website content, copy our business model. Tell lies about us. This behaviour is like a kick in the guts and it sets us reeling causing us to waste valuable time thinking about how we can punish them. We do nothing in the end, just sit back and watch.
Those clients who go with them weren’t worth keeping because they’re dishonest just like the thief. It’s our loyal clients who are the ones who alert us to the theft. In the end, I feel sorry for those guys who felt resentment or jealousy towards us their employer. They will never succeed.
Bonzaros, they are their own worst punishment.
I hate you! NOT!!!!!! Excellent post, great advice as always!
Looks like it’s the 80/20 rule in action. 80% (or more) of the people can hate you all they want….. who cares these people rarely buy anything from you anyway.
Let’s focus on serving the 20% (or less) of the people who are real buyers and ignore the rest.
Interestingly, I hadn’t heard the word schnook before, despite my Israeli grandmother.
But I think the word schmuck (look it up folks) might be just as applicable to describe the unfortunate individuals who go out of their way to let you know they hate you.
Ahh well. Such is life. Only people who do nothing worthwhile will offend no one.
wow! time to have more people who will hate me….how radical is that but how true!
My patients love me!!! ….Maybe THAT’S why I struggle
Naomi, my Dad once used the word “schmuck” in a scholarly article for a psychology journal, and the editor insisted he include a definition. (I’ll have to ask him how he defined it in that context!)
I want everyone to love me and I certainly don’t want anyone to think I’m a “schnook”, especially after looking it up on urbandictionary.com. But can I afford it? OK then, schnook it is.
What if you’re naturally a nice, open-minded person who doesn’t often offend? Is there no hope?
Chuck
P.S. I was always impressed how the Rich Jerk built his whole marketing persona around this.
Chuck, the idea isn’t to purposefully offend people. It’s to tell them what they need to hear, with passion.
In your market in particular, I can guarantee that people hate you BECAUSE you’re a nice, open minded person who doesn’t eat dead things. Just your very existence reminds people of the animal-ethics controversy they’d rather ignore. Haven’t you been attacked at dinner yet for your choices? The more vocal you are about what you believe in, the more that’s going to happen. And if you’re going to market this project on a grand scale, you’ll definitely be hated by many, many people.
Your ability to gently tolerate this is a part of what will make you successful.
G
Early in my career, I started to tell the truth about what’s going on the martial arts industry and I was posting my business up on craigslist and I would get flagged within hours. It turns out the other martial arts guru’s out there don’t like when you tell the truth and I got an e-mail from one blasting me about what I was saying, and how I was ruining traditional stuff. The truth was that their teachings were getting people killed, and it was irresponsible on their end. I stopped being in your face as much and I backed off, and my business took a nose dive. Then I had a call in with Perry during one of his mastermind open lines (use Glenn’s link if you wanna get in on one of these) and he asked me, “When did your business do better?” I said,”When I was more in your face.” He said, “Yeah, that’s what those people want. They want to be you. You should see Furey’s guys, their like little versions of him.” Soooo… If you’re not hated your probably doing something wrong.
BTW, I am a member of your marketing solution. My page on the truth about Jeet Kune Do is based of your survey methods, and told me what people were really thinking, your stuff is really brilliant. I have to recommend it to anyone who needs to have strong marketing. Much love, Dr. Glenn.
Glenn, along the lines of other comments here, one of my favorite quotes comes from Bette Midler, \"The hardest part about success is finding someone to be happy for you.\"
How true. Before I began my big marketing push in December 2009, I was a successful copywriter with great clients and great relationships with a number of so-called gurus.
Now, it\’s mid-February. My social media campaign has been incredibly successful on Facebook, Twitter, Plaxo, LinkedIn, The Copywriters Business Network I founded, and my new blog, which is filled with non-nonsense, guru-free, real world advice on making a living as a copywriter.
More \’people\’ \’love\’ me. Less gurus do. I don\’t want to give details, lest those very experts recognize I\’m talking about them.
Suffice it to say, we\’re no longer mentor and student. We\’re now competitors.
It\’s a little chilly up here!
Amazing blog post – I am on the verge of writing one like it myself because I have been amazed at the level of hate thrown at me in the past couple of years (and by the level of love, by the way).
I\’ve got ex-employees and competitors and people I\’ve never even met throwing all sorts of mud at me online and off, and all I\’ve ever done is try to help people!
It\’s taken me a while, and it did drag me down, but I have realised that it really doesn\’t matter. I have a clean conscience and a rabid fan base of customers and friends. Plus, I always refer to Rudyard Kipling\’s poem \"If…\" whenever they get me down, especially these lines:
\"If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:\"
Thanks Glen!
So where is the line between hate that’s unreasonable (based on someone’s prejudices, unwillingness to work or just poor chemistry), and hate that is trying to tell you the market isn’t responding or your product/service isn’t working?
What’s the easiest way to tell the difference and respond appropriately to the latter?
BTW – I’m reading “Thick Face, Black Heart” which is a wonderful book on the Chinese warrior’s way to being impervious to criticism and able to act regardless.
Scott
Well written article, Glenn. Just had this conversation with someone yesterday about how I don’t sugar coat my recommendations…and how they are not always well received.
Thanks Shelley, very much. Nice to know you’re reading them
If you’d ever like to do a guest post here on the content network, please know you’re welcome.
What’s going on here Glenn?
I was a car salesman for 43 years. You know the stereotype. Back when I started in the 60s car salesmen – we were all geezers, no girls – were the most hated because we earnt the most money.
I’ve never experienced hate in all my 43 years.
I’ve got an Hons 2.1 pass in Psychology and advise you to put on your hiking boots and take a long walk – without your mobile.
If you’re aware of discourse analysis you need to count and categorise your verbs and nouns in recent messages and get them boots back on and take another walk.
Why am I not in psychology – highest suicide rate.
Them boots are made for walking. Off you go Glenn. No phone.
Kind Regards
Ralph
While I think it is true you only hate to the degree you love there is a deeper process here. If someone has no emotional response to your “goods” there is little reason or motive to buy. Conversely someone who has great passion for your “goods” is a great buyer. It is finding the right mixture of what you have to sell and what the buyer wants. It is this common ground where business takes place. The faster you find this area the greater your opportunity for success. I was once at a meeting of hospital administrators and one man stood up then said his greatest disappointment was when he realized the people in his area had no interest in what the community needed. What they wanted was not what they needed which takes us back to the parent and the love hate relationship. It is an interesting challenge and based upon your responses an area of great interest, good article.
Excellent post. This is my first time reading you and this is EXACTLY what I have been going through. Like another comment said, sometimes the hatred comes from someone who is supposed to be our friend! I have one life-long \"friend\" in particular who was so seething with jealous and bitterness dating back to elementary school that when my business initially tanked, she screamed in my face, \"I\’m so glad to see you finally f****** fail at something!\" Wow! Needless to say we are not friends anymore.
When it comes to marketing, I\’ve had a few readers who got angry whenever something is not 100% free! I do not need those readers.
Thanks for being honest Glenn.
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