Today I thought, in the wake of the FTC changes, it was probably prudent to warn you that all of my marketing education products may cause cancer.
You see, it’s entirely possible you’ll be so giddy with relief when you realize how much time, money, and effort you’ve been wasting chasing the wrong keywords, monitoring the wrong competitors, and trying to market the wrong message to your audience, that in the thrill of the moment you’ll momentarily forget yourself and return to smoking.
Or, when you learn how to work WITH Google instead of continually fighting their Quality Score algorithms, you might be so incredibly happy that you’ll jump up and hit your head on the ceiling, give yourself a concussion, and forget to take your anti-oxidants the rest of the year, thus allowing the free radicals in your body to do their damage.
There, now you’ve been warned. Use my products at your own risk.
Dr. G 
www.HyperResponsiveMarketingSecrets.com
PS – The price on the hyper-responsive club is going up again on January 1st, or after I get 173 more active members whichever comes first. I’m very loyal to old members however, and I NEVER raise their price once they’ve joined. So you can lock in yours today. click here
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Come on, I always read your blogpost with much joy and learn a lot from them. This is totally over the top, why would you use a disease like cancer to promote your product…..
On top of this it looks like you mean that if somebody did not take anti-oxidants he is responsible for his cancer…
Really many people can be upset by such a comparison!
Geez Glenn – I knew you were dangerous but I had no idea just how dangerous!
Thanks for the heads-up, Glenn. And remember…McDonald\’s coffee may be hot and some Christmas lights are for indoor or outdoor use only.
Never ceases to amaze me how we survived our youth without Big Brother watching our for our every risk.
Huh?
Is this in response to the new FTC rules that started 12-1?
I’m not sure if I fully get what you’re saying here? What is with the cancer reference?
Seems off from your normal educational style of writing?
Did you actually write this? Not a spam post?
Thanks
Jeremiah
Just from the subject line I knew this post wasn\\\’t serious. I suppose if someone HAD cancer or a loved one did or had just died from it, merely mentioning cancer might hit a nerve. But I can\\\’t imagine anyone taking the subject line seriously.
What it did was to make me open up the email, read it and click on the link to learn more. And the blog post itself didn\\\’t disappoint. It was cleverly done, Glenn. I was hoping for a little more \\"meat\\" in the post, but that\\\’s just me.
You \\"made me look.\\" LOL
Deb Gallardo
Dr. Glen
The FTC requires more full disclosure of potential side effects. Therefore you will have to include in your warning:
1) The intellectual stimilus of my material may cause neural network expansion and a rapid increase in synaptic release,
2) The mesmerising content may cause the reader to intensely stare at the screen for hours on end, which in turn, may cause visual deterioration, and free radicals may contribute to macular degeneration,
3) Whilst there is a professionally implied shrink, exposure to my training in fact has a very high probability of rapid brain expansion.
4) The material has encapsulated Emerson, who stated that: “A mind once expanded can never contract to it’s original position”. Thus mind expansion is another very real threat to be aware of.
Whilst the list will of course be too large to fit in a book, I thought I would just mention 4 examples of warnings.
So to summarise, you may just include a warning to the effect of: “Beware, you will never be the same once you have laid eyes on my material”.
It may help to register such as true claim with the FDA as well.
Gys
Speaking of Big Brother: …….. President Obama has called for an extension of George Bush’s post-9/11 emergency measures – such as eavesdropping and the suspension of the Bill of Rights in terrorist cases. Today, we see that he has announced another troop surge in Afghanistan, with no declaration of war from the US Congress (whom would they declare war against?)
lol
I inform you that my english is wery small, so i do not enderstein the most of your emails. If there are anyone which can make it for me, I will be thankfull. Best Regards. Eugênio.
Gys, thanks for the clever support, as always
Hi Jeremiah … Woke up in a funky mood today and let it fly. More education to come.
Looks like I started a controversy … my apologies if I offended anyone, but I’ll let the post stand so people can air it out. What do you all think… did I go too far? (And for the record, I don’t believe forgetting to take your anti-oxidants makes someone responsible for their cancer… it’s not even 100% clear that smoking makes them responsible, though I do think not smoking and taking antioxidant supplements is a smart idea)
There will always be some with issues on any subject. Cancer could be considered a sensitive one. My Mom died from it and consider myself more sensitive than most about it. (I also lost two dogs to cancer in as many years).
However, I think keeping a sense of the bizarre is important. Most interruption advertising I see is very bizarre. (Even if I don’t always remember who the ad was for). Emails are usually interruption advertising, but whenever I get one from you the subject is almost immaterial, I just want to read it. Lol.
I am reminded about a NY health spa that had a billboard that said, “When the aliens come, they will eat the fat ones first.” There was a big hullabaloo about that campaign. (Fat people are apparently sensitive as well.) The billboard was eventually taken down because of PC pressure.
I think one of the things about having your own site is you can put whatever you want on it, but you have to pay the cost of whatever fallout it creates. Personally, I liked it. I can see why others might not. It is my thinking that anyone that follows you regularly or for much time would not be offended by it. (Knowing you a little helps one to realize your heart is always in the right place).
Writing on the web is harder than talking face to face. With proximity comes body language, tone of voice and other factors which can allow you to get away with (in my experience) almost anything if done right. (And I MEAN ANYTHING!).
I found the post cute and shared it on a large forum. (I am PC illiterate, myself). But that is me. I hope those that are offended can see through that and realize the attempt and point you are making.
Mark
Thanks Mark, well said. (And thanks for all your previous comments too)
Taking everything waaay to seriously is what causes cancer
I never thought you were serious, or blame people for not taking their anti oxidants. What upsets me is that you decided to use a disease like cancer and the emotions such a word triggers as a gimmick to stand out
among all the other emails in our inboxes. Not even to promote a charity but for a short blog to announce that your prices are going up. It leaves me wondering what is next to draw our attention…
Glen,
I am with Mark T. (many know him as DogScout)
on this. I read or listen to or watch
and save everything you put out.
I don\’t care what your subject line says.
Also I am fat and I thought this from Mark
was very very funny.
\"I am reminded about a NY health spa that had a billboard that said, \"When the aliens come, they will eat the fat ones first.”\"
Doc L,
I appreciate sarcasm. And like most families, I’ve been touched by cancer – but I’m NOT offended in the least. I rather enjoyed the fun you’re poking at the FTC stupidity. Personally, I’ve found that I’d just soon rid my life of people who have no sense of humor, or those who are totally ruled by political correctness.
Thanks to your broad match (preposterously still free) report, and after ignoring you and fighting google for 2 weeks (which seemed like a year), I started a new campaign with and new domain name and just one phrase, broad, exact and phrase-style. After an hour those keywords are adjusted UP to 6/10, instead of down to 1/10 which is what had been happening. My “no problems” landing page really ain’t that different from my “1/10″ landing page on the other domain.
My only problem is it’s just got 32 impressions in 2 days, so I don’t know whether to tough it out, or take a chance and start adding more groups.
But anyway, thanks Glenn, for getting me back in the game.
Google had been starting to feel like that horrible game show “Weakest Link” where you just get called an idiot and asked to leave if you don’t do everything perfect before you turn the campaign on.
Oh, and by the way, my min cpc bid went from .01 to .12 to .32 and has stayed there. Previously, before Google shut me down entirely, they had asked me to bid $14.10 on this subject.
@ Jaap… Take a deep breath and click here… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satire
Hi Glenn,
Great post. Controversial, ironic and satirical all in one – quite an achievement!
Please keep sending up the ftc. They deserve it with these ridiculous new rules. Talk about over reaction. I\’m glad I\’m marketing in the UK, though no doubt we\’ll catch up in a few years with our own crazy version. We usually do.
Simon
Hey, cool marketing idea Glen. Some people really need to get a sense of humor. I know my grandmother was actually joking all the way to the grave when she died of cancer because she knew the value of humor. Humor is a wonderful thing and should be spread about more often.
[Please note FTC bureaucrats: this comment may cause cancer from reading in sunny areas]
Actually, I didn’t mean for this to be a negative commentary on the FTC. As a matter of fact, I’ve previously posted my belief that the new FTC rulings are a blessing in disguise.
While I’m not against stating my opinion that a regulatory agency is stupid or incompetent (I think the food and drug administration IS, for example), I actually LIKE the FTC crackdown. I’ve long thought it was unfair to consumers to allow marketers to only present what’s possible, not what one could actually expect in terms of results, and there’s a lot of scummy people out there that took advantage of the lax rules.
My (somewhat impulsive) post this morning was meant to relieve the anxiety we’re all feeling about adjusting to these new rules. And beyond that, selfishly motivated by the greedy opportunity I saw for attention.
I don’t apologize for either of the above (my opinion on the FTC or my selfish motives).
I DO apologize if I inadvertently offended anyone by linking these to cancer (which, by the way, I’ve been personally touched by on many levels as well).
I’m horribly tempted to humorously link to some other excruciatingly painful and disfiguring disease as a clever way to close this comment, but I think I’ve learned my lesson.
G
Dear Dr. Glenn,
Thank you for this post
You really made me laugh.
You are a gem. The concoction of your expertise, excellent sense of humour and your knack for touching the right emotional buttons is refreshing and rarely seen in the IM world. Or in the world in general.
So, although you are potentially extremely toxic, I will gladly continue
to be a consumer of your prescribed medicine
Man oh man. There’s probably only three reasons why someone couldn’t get “the funny” in all of this:
1. You ain’t got a funny bone.
2. You didn’t know about the recent FTC hullabaloo
3. Both
Get a funny bone! Go read!
Love it Glenn. A welcome change from some of the cornier stuff, which you KNOW you can bring at will.
Jason, all the way from Tobago.
Hi Glenn,
Not that you need reassuring \’bout this one but your satire was obvious. Re. the FTC rulings as a negative – Hype-sales marketers spoke of it as a major problem as it helps them sell emergency info packs to the fear based thinkers after they get all worked up. The rules are no impediment for honest people really as they will enforce transparency if in fact they ever get or show some teeth.
Meanwhile would it be too much to hope that it reduces the flood of exagerative \"wealth\" gurus spewing their fabricated drivel upon serious people trying to find an honest alternative through starting an I.M business?
Its good to know that you\’d still be here if FTC really went on a witch hunt. Your honesty and intellect have been enjoyed since I found your newsletters. Please keep speaking your mind and sharing your insights with us.
Greg
PS. Loved the Spa billboard idea….too bad people have such a hard time with wit anymore!
greg
Glenn, I see that you’re claiming your products MAY cause cancer.
But is that representative of TYPICAL results?
Chuck